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Liveblogging the 2010 Grammy Awards

February 1, 2010 by Katie

8:00 (Katie): It’s just me and Pete and Mark right now, cause Tomb and TMac thought it would be a good idea to NOT get their heads out of their asses. Just kidding, I love those guys.

8:01 (Katie): Every show should open with Lady Gaga.

8:04 (Katie): How come there’s always a duet w/ Elton John?

8:06 (Pete): It’s 8 o clock, the Grammys are on, and the wine is flowing like wine.

8:12 (Mark) : Kanye created a monster in Taylor Swift.

[Song of the year- Beyonce's “All the Single Ladies”]

8:14 (Mark): Phew, finally BEYONCE GETS SOME JUSTICE.

8:15 (Pete): American Idiot the Broadway musical. Green Day takes the stage and everyone laughs.

8:21 (Pete): [A commercial for Lincoln letting us know that bands like Shiny Toy Guns are competing against each other for a chance to write a song for next commercial.] It’s like, all the bands in this competition get to sell out, but only one of them gets the money for selling out.

8:25 (Katie): Man, country is so bad.

8:26- (Pete): [Taylor Swift wins Best Country Album] Taylor Swift is pretending that she’s surprised by the win, even though she’s the only one on that list that anyone has ever heard of.

[Beyonce performs “If I Were a Boy”]

8:28 (Mark): I thought all those cops were dressed up as Batman at first, which would’ve been way better.

8:30 (Katie): Tomb and TMac are here now, smelly as hell. TMac says he hasn’t showered in three days, so that explains it.

8:32 (Katie): I can’t see real well, is that Alanis Morissette up there?

8:33 (TMac): Who’s Alanis Morisette?

8:33 (TMac): Do you guys think Beyonce’s dress makes her look too thin?

8:34 (Tomb): Man, it’s Massa P!

8:36 (Tomb): [Olive Garden commercial] What the fuck is you doin eatin dinner with your Grandpa? What’s he dyin or somethin?

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Posted in Music | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

The accidental ruining of the Obama administration, or where we’ve been all winter

January 31, 2010 by Peter

So as fall ended and winter got into full swing, Seasonal Affective Disorder (or SAD) set in.  I lost all interest in writing, or even Bocce, which had become my new favorite hobby.  At the next blog meeting I told Katie I needed “some time to recharge” which she enthusiastically gave me since she had been quite disappointed by my most recent posts.  Tomb also asked for a hiatus which Katie was much more reluctant to grant but eventually gave him.

So Tomb and I went to the nearest bar and started drinking.  We didn’t talk about it but I could see it in his eyes- the winter was taking its toll on him too.  So we drank.  Day after day, as we made our way down to Washington DC to party with T-Mac.  We had a hell of a time, but after the end of a six day bender I realized (upon checking my voice mails) that I had been fired from my day job.  Tomb needed some quick cash too since he had taken out a sizable loan (while drunk) to provide the start up capital for a smooth-talking businessman we’d met one night in the bar.  We hadn’t seen the man since, and it looked as if we never would.

So there we were in T-Mac’s apartment, still a little drunk, going through the classified ads.  We stumbled upon the Americans for Civil Development Trust and lined up two interviews for that afternoon.  By 3pm that day we had both gotten corner office jobs there and, for the time being, all our problems went away.

Unbeknownst to us, the Americans for Civil Development Trust was a Republican think tank which was working overtime trying to derail health care reform.  It turns out the only reason we were hired is because we both looked like “stereotypical liberals” and they hired us as an internal PR campaign, running front page stories in their company newsletter with pictures of us under headlines claiming “Even Dirty Hippies Jump Ship on Obama!”

Our novelty, and obtuseness, around the office quickly wore off and they shipped us out to Hawaii on a wild goose chase of an assignment of finding irrefutable proof that Obama wasn’t born in America.

Photobucket

Tomb and I on our trip to Hawaii.

Still thinking that this was a real assignment, Tomb and I did our damnedest.  We started by breaking in to the records room of the Kapi’olani Medical Center for Women & Children.  It took us no more than an hour of stealthily rifling through filing cabinets before we found the birth certificate  for one Barack Hussein Obama indicating his place of birth was not in fact in Hawaii as he would have the American people believe, but the US-controlled Panama Canal Zone.  You better believe Tomb and I high-tailed it back to headquarters with this bombshell in hand.

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Posted in Politics | Tagged | 1 Comment »

Telltale Signs the Apocalypse is Nigh: Bulletproof bear is terrorizing California

January 26, 2010 by Mark

It is quite obvious that the end of times is upon us. The world wide economy is falling apart, people are dying of starvation, and our destructive practices are ruining the environment. Also, a bulletproof bear is terrorizing California.

With a new year, thus comes a new hope. I no longer fear the oncoming Apocalypse, which is going to come. Instead, I’m pretty much rooting for it. I think mankind’s place on Earth is coming to an end and we will be replaced by bullet proof bears:

A giant black bear has been branded ‘super bear’ after outwitting gun-toting locals, bear dogs and traps in a US town.

The huge male – estimated to weigh 320 kg – has broken into a number of houses and garages in Incline Village to fuel his hankering for human food. “He’s busted into probably 40 or 50 homes,” Carl Lackey, a bear biologist for the Nevada Department of Wildlife told the San Francisco Chronicle. “I’ve never seen anything like that before.”

The bullet-scarred bear has reportedly been shot at a number of times and knows how to avoid traps. On one occasion a bullet was seen bouncing off his head.

That pretty much says it all. There is a bear in California, which is bullet-proof, and is breaking into homes. That’s pretty much all I’ve wanted in life, with the exception of being the person that says “The bullets are bouncing right off it!*”

So, yeah, the bear has pretty much declared war on the human race, and I’m pretty much jumping ship onto its boat. I’ve never supported a cause greater than this bear. The first thing I’m going to do is get the image of the bullet-proof bear tramp stamped on my butt.

*line stolen from Pete

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Top Ten reasons why the 2010’s won’t be any better than the 2000’s: The Taco Bell diet

December 29, 2009 by Mark

In the past few weeks it’s been pretty much a given that everyone realizes how awful the 00’s were. Don’t get me wrong, the 00’s were terrible. From the corrupted election of George W. Bush, to 9/11, to America starting a pointless global war, to Hurricane Katrina, to music fans not giving Beyoncé a VMA award for the best video ever made:

A very awful decade indeed. Yet, I don’t like tempting fate. All of these lists act like the next ten years are going to make up for the shit we let happen this past decade. As a constant pessimist I don’t see much to look forward to in 2010 given the current evidence of what’s starting to happen now. For instance, let’s take a look at number ten on the list: the new Taco Bell diet.

“Just in time for the post-holiday gorge in front of the TV, Taco Bell is unleashing a weight loss advertisement campaign that is the first to compete with Subway’s Jared Fogle.

Meet Christine: A woman who lost 54 pounds in two years by choosing the low-fat “Fresco” menu items at Taco Bell in replace of her old daily fast food choices.”

Now it goes without saying that I don’t know much about diets, obviously, but I don’t respect any diet that takes two years to lose 54lbs. That seems like a lot of work for not much payoff, especially when there is the proven Sofia Loren diet, which fellow blogger Tomb is on. He lost 40lbs within two weeks. It really goes to show you what only eating an ounce of corned beef, cabbage and a potato every day will do for your body.

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Posted in Advice, Apocalypse, Current Events | Tagged , , | Leave a Comment »

C Me Review: C Me Dance

December 22, 2009 by Mark

We here at Stupid Idiot Jerk love movies. We love them so much that we end up watching too many movies, and don’t have time to review them all. Yet, there are rare gems that need to be brought to the attention of our fans (all one of them). The Christian dance thriller C Me Dance is one of these gems.

Wikipedia gives a short summary of the plot:

The story centers around a teenage girl named Sheri, whose desire is to join the Pittsburgh Ballet Theatre. At 17, fulfilling her dream, she discovers she has a rare blood disease. Sheri rebels against her father and God, causing her father to seek God to keep his daughter close to God, to soften her heart, and to live out her dream before dying, all while he anguishes over losing his daughter so young. While praying to God to ask for strength and clear direction for her remaining days, God blesses Sheri so she is able to bring people to Christ. Then Satan intervenes.

The editor of this article really tried their best, but ultimately it does a disservice to the movie. Wikipedia fails to mention that the movie is completely insane. The only way to appreciate the surrealistic dream scape of C Me Dance is for me to break the madness down for you.

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Posted in Movies | Tagged , , | 1 Comment »

Golden Globe Nominees: I Feel Like I’m Taking Crazy Pills!

December 16, 2009 by Katie

Sorry we haven’t posted in awhile [this goes out to our fan, Cassie]. We went on a three week drug binge. Everyone has to party sometimes, even nerds. Besides, we’re working on a long-ass movie which is going to pretty much blow everything else out of the water, so hold onto your butts.

Speaking of movies, how ’bout these fucking Golden Globes nominees?

It’s nice to see works of art like The Proposal finally getting some recognition. It’s weird how people liked that movie, even though it looks like every other movie Sandra Bullock has ever been in. Sometimes I think the critics just get together in a room and talk about which random pointless romantic comedy they’re going to bestow praise upon this year, just to mess with us. Where were you guys when Miss Congeniality 2 came out? That was her crowning achievement.

I’m just mad because I’m thinking about all the movies we’re going to have to watch to prepare for our Golden Globes party (shut up, I already admitted we were nerds). We’re going to have to watch The Blind Side now. There’s no getting around it. Otherwise we can’t make an objective decision. Not to mention Julie and Julia, which I pretty much knew was going to win all the awards the second I saw the preview. It has Meryl Streep in it, and it’s somehow all about cooking for over two hours. I bet they even found a way to put lots of crying in it, crying about cakes not turning out right, probably.

At least they finally wised up and got a good host this time. Ricky Gervais should just be the host all of the awards shows, if this was any indication of how awesome he’s going to be:

Posted in Movies, TV | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment »

Sarah Palin whining about sexism again; probably right this time

November 18, 2009 by Mark

It really takes some fucked up shit for me to side with anything dealing with Sarah Palin. She pretty much represents everything that I think is evil in this world. Every word that comes out of her mouth is pretty much the stupidest thing you could hear. She’s an idiot and will probably one day hold a high enough office to make me doubt any shred of hope I have for humanity. Yet, despite my hatred, I think she may be kind of right this time about Newsweek being sexist.

Apparently Newsweek is using that ‘Runner’s World’ photo of Sarah Palin on the cover of their newest issue. Now even though I don’t think Newsweek is being outright sexist, they are being completely retarded. How clownish is the media going to get? Only last week it was revealed that Fox News completely lied about the amount of protesters at a rally, in which the only news source that reported on it was Jon Stewart’s comedy show, now this week it’s Newsweek using an almost illegally acquired photo which is deliberately poking fun.

I completely understand the compulsion to do so. Sarah Palin practically forced everyone to participate in making fun of her, but this is supposed to be a legitimate news source. American’s main source for news has quickly devolved into one side spouting off an obnoxious opinion versus the other’s obnoxious opinion. It’s no surprise that no one reads newspapers these days. It’s pretty much a pointless endeavor. This knee-jerk, clownish reporting can only hold one’s attention for so long. Americans are fucking idiots, but it’s only because our institutions are enablers to our national addiction to stupidity. We would aspire towards intelligence if we were provided with it.

The worst part of it all is that this Newsweek photo is only going to end up working against them. Now the Palin campaign has clear evidence that the “liberal media” is “out to get her.” If they really wanted to showcase how idiotic Sarah Palin is all they’d have to do is sit her down and have a serious discussion with her. Katie Couric practically helped Obama win the presidency by asking Palin basic questions.

That’s what serious reporters call integrity, Newsweek.

Posted in Politics | Tagged , | 2 Comments »

How racist will Disney’s ‘The Princess and the Frog’ be?

November 10, 2009 by Mark

It’s pretty much a well known fact that I love busting Disney’s balls. Even though they really are evil, I must in all honesty admit that my anger comes from never being taken to Disney World. Yet even through this unjustified animosity I have sworn personal vengeance against everything Disney. I will not stop until the Disney Corporation lies crushed and defeated by my harsh witticisms.

Today’s anger will be directed toward Disney’s attempt at reviving their animation studio, “The Princess and the Frog.” Now it is also quite known that I know next to nothing about black culture. I’m a dumb white guy. When I tell my current friends that I once had a black friend in grade school no one believes me, and rightly so because I have no evidence of it. For all I know he only existed in my imagination. But I like black people. I root for them at any given opportunity and get personally offended when I see shit like this:

Disney villain

That big lipped, black meanie is the newest Disney villain, Doctor Facilier. Now, but Mark, how can this be racist if the movie is about a black girl?

When the free-spirited, jazz-loving Prince Naveen of Maldonia comes to town, a deal with a shady voodoo doctor goes bad and the once suave royal is turned into a frog. In a desperate attempt to be human again, a favor in exchange for a fateful kiss on the lips from the beautiful girl, Tiana, takes an unexpected turn and leads them both on a hilarious adventure through the mystical bayous of Louisiana to the banks of the almighty Mississippi and back in time for Mardi Gras in New Orleans.

A truism that fellow blogger Tomb once said is that whenever white people get together to tell a story about a black hero they, in an attempt for ‘balance,’ add the most racists stereotypes into another black character. I think this is exactly what is happening in this movie. Yet, I think most of this movie is really racist from what I take from the Wikipedia page.

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Posted in Movies | Tagged , | 5 Comments »

Movie review: Paranormal Activity

November 5, 2009 by Mark

I saw this movie when it opened nationwide, but forgot to review it because I forgot I saw the movie. Oops! This neither bodes well for this shitty movie’s integrity as a horror flick nor mine as a reviewer. I couldn’t be bothered to type up a lazy review and this movie couldn’t bother with having a plot or decent characters to care about. This movie was as boring as a dentist appointment and as scary as some asshole tapping you on your shoulder, but is wearing a mask so it makes you jump a little and then you get mad at yourself for jumping at a cheap scare. This movie should have been called Paraboring Activity.

‘Paranormal Activity’ follows a day in the life of a young woman who starts hearing voices in the middle of the night, and her boyfriend’s attempt at helping her is to videotape them while they sleep. The movie is pretty much 90 minutes of waiting and then some freaky stuff happens and then the movie ends. The most enjoyment I had was listening to all the tweens’ chatter during the trailer for the movie ‘2012.’ For anyone unaware, the world is going to end on December 21, 2012 and Roland Emmerich decided to make a documentary about it starring John Cusack.

John Cusack

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Posted in Relationships | Tagged , , | 1 Comment »

Telltale Signs the Apocalypse is Nigh….Rich people are evolving into a new, better, richer species

November 3, 2009 by Mark

It is quite obvious that the end of times is upon us. The world wide economy is falling apart, people are dying of starvation, and our destructive practices are ruining the environment. Also, rich people are evolving into a separate species.

Rich people are awesome. They get to live a life that everyone dreams of: riding jet skis, traveling around the world in their own personal airplanes, being the only Americans with decent health insurance, and generally laughing at the plight of poor people.

Rich people laughing

I hope to be rich someday, but since I’m not I can only live by the Paris Hilton motto “always act like you’re wearing an invisible crown” and make sure that every rich person everywhere is treated like royalty. I’d lay down in a mud puddle just for the chance to have a rich person grace me with physical contact, let alone helping them avoid poor people germs. Yet, according to some random guy’s recent attempt at getting in the news, rich people are evolving into a different species and will be able to simply fly over poor people with their wings:

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