Stupid Idiot Jerk

I saw this movie when it opened nationwide, but forgot to review it because I forgot I saw the movie. Oops! This neither bodes well for this shitty movie’s integrity as a horror flick nor mine as a reviewer. I couldn’t be bothered to type up a lazy review and this movie couldn’t bother with having a plot or decent characters to care about. This movie was as boring as a dentist appointment and as scary as some asshole tapping you on your shoulder, but is wearing a mask so it makes you jump a little and then you get mad at yourself for jumping at a cheap scare. This movie should have been called Paraboring Activity.

‘Paranormal Activity’ follows a day in the life of a young woman who starts hearing voices in the middle of the night, and her boyfriend’s attempt at helping her is to videotape them while they sleep. The movie is pretty much 90 minutes of waiting and then some freaky stuff happens and then the movie ends. The most enjoyment I had was listening to all the tweens’ chatter during the trailer for the movie ‘2012.’ For anyone unaware, the world is going to end on December 21, 2012 and Roland Emmerich decided to make a documentary about it starring John Cusack.

Anyway, a teenage couple on their first date was sitting behind me. It was incredibly cute especially to a grown man who goes to see movies alone. This trailer came on and the girl was really scared. She said something about how she doesn’t want the world to end and the boy responded, with a kind of scared yet brave tone, “This is all fake. The world isn’t going to end. They just stopped writing more days to the calendar.” Nice skepticism, buddy, but you’re wrong. Obviously you haven’t been reading my blogs or the internet in general. People forget how easy it is we fall into blind panic and chaos erupts.

Anyway, back to ‘Paranormal Activity.’ This movie didn’t scare me at all, but that could be due to me being weird. I tell people that ‘Blair Witch Project’ still scares me and they all look at me funny. Guys staring into walls simply make me poop my pants. This may go back to a childhood trauma I experienced when my brother and cousin pulled this trick way before ‘Blair Witch Project.’ My family had just moved into our new home, and my older brother wasted no time into making me terrified of it. He called me up to his room where I found him staring into a wall. I asked him what he wanted and that’s when, across the room, a werewolf hand crept out of the closet and molested me. Not really, but I did poop myself once I saw the werewolf hand which I later found out was my cousin. Years later. I spent ages believing that a werewolf ghost lived in the house and no one cared.

But another reason why ‘Blair Witch’ is a superior movie is because you never really find out what happened. Was it a witch? Or the devil? Or just a crazy cult? You never find out. But ‘Paranormal Activity’ does tell you what’s going on and I’m simply not afraid of that stuff. The fourth wall gets smashed to bits once I see something that I know doesn’t exist in a movie that tells you “This really happened.” But I’m an old curmudgeon. What do I know? Those two teens had an awesome time which is all that matters really.