Stupid Idiot Jerk

So as fall ended and winter got into full swing, Seasonal Affective Disorder (or SAD) set in.  I lost all interest in writing, or even Bocce, which had become my new favorite hobby.  At the next blog meeting I told Katie I needed “some time to recharge” which she enthusiastically gave me since she had been quite disappointed by my most recent posts.  Tomb also asked for a hiatus which Katie was much more reluctant to grant but eventually gave him.

So Tomb and I went to the nearest bar and started drinking.  We didn’t talk about it but I could see it in his eyes- the winter was taking its toll on him too.  So we drank.  Day after day, as we made our way down to Washington DC to party with T-Mac.  We had a hell of a time, but after the end of a six day bender I realized (upon checking my voice mails) that I had been fired from my day job.  Tomb needed some quick cash too since he had taken out a sizable loan (while drunk) to provide the start up capital for a smooth-talking businessman we’d met one night in the bar.  We hadn’t seen the man since, and it looked as if we never would.

So there we were in T-Mac’s apartment, still a little drunk, going through the classified ads.  We stumbled upon the Americans for Civil Development Trust and lined up two interviews for that afternoon.  By 3pm that day we had both gotten corner office jobs there and, for the time being, all our problems went away.

Unbeknownst to us, the Americans for Civil Development Trust was a Republican think tank which was working overtime trying to derail health care reform.  It turns out the only reason we were hired is because we both looked like “stereotypical liberals” and they hired us as an internal PR campaign, running front page stories in their company newsletter with pictures of us under headlines claiming “Even Dirty Hippies Jump Ship on Obama!”

Our novelty, and obtuseness, around the office quickly wore off and they shipped us out to Hawaii on a wild goose chase of an assignment of finding irrefutable proof that Obama wasn’t born in America.

Tomb and I on our trip to Hawaii.

Still thinking that this was a real assignment, Tomb and I did our damnedest.  We started by breaking in to the records room of the Kapi’olani Medical Center for Women & Children.  It took us no more than an hour of stealthily rifling through filing cabinets before we found the birth certificate  for one Barack Hussein Obama indicating his place of birth was not in fact in Hawaii as he would have the American people believe, but the US-controlled Panama Canal Zone.  You better believe Tomb and I high-tailed it back to headquarters with this bombshell in hand.

First thing we did when we got back to the head office was to check our emails. We had been off the grid for so long that they were really starting to back up.  Mine were just a bunch of emails from Katie asking when Tomb was going to be ready to write on the blog again and for me “to take as much time as I needed.”  Tomb on the other hand had about 150 emails from the higher-ups at Americans for Civil Development Trust and told me to go to the meeting without him because he had “to get out some serious memos about the etiquette on ccing people for pointless emails.”  So I went ahead, birth certificate in hand, to a closed-door meeting to discuss our findings.

It was about halfway through that meeting that I realized that the people of ACDT were actually conservative and not the liberals that I had assumed, and they had not even implied, they were.  “You really found out he wasn’t born in the US?” one of the higher ups asked me.

“Yeah, but you know as well as I do that we have to keep this under wraps,” was my naive response.

They just snatched the document from me and proceeded to made countless scans and copies of it.  During all of this I repeatedly pressed them for information.  “How is this going to help the Obama administration?”

They just chuckled and went back to talking strategy.  “We’re going to have to take down all the literature that we put up for McCain, setting up the legal basis for someone born in the Canal Zone to become president…”

I slowly backed out of the room being as inconspicuous as possible and made my way down to Tomb’s office.  I told him we had to get out of there because of what they were planning to do with the birth certificate we’d found.  He was only half paying attention to me as he was engrossed in his memos.  I could hear the click of expensive shoes coming down the hall and I made one last plea for him to hurry up and get out of there before running out of the building and disappearing into the street.  That was the last I saw of him and I only pray that he made it out of there in time.

So to wrap it up, that’s where I’ve been for the past couple of months.  I feel bad about possibly ruining Obama’s presidency, although I haven’t seen anything in the press yet so maybe they are still debating their plan of attack.  Katie gave me a lukewarm welcome back to the blog and we still wait intently for any word from Tomb.  If he’s out there we’ll find him.